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Elvis returns to Earth after Sunday Sport ceases publication
Music legend and king of rock ‘n’ roll Elvis Presley has made a sensational return to the world stage today, following the demise of the groundbreaking tabloid newspaper the Sunday Sport, whose...
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BBC finds US man who actually cares what British think of his country’s election
The BBC has discovered an American who actually cares what the British think about who wins the US presidential election. The breakthrough means that the massive holiday enjoyed by thousands of BBC...
View ArticleFuture Sovereign Wealth Fund to create ‘world-beating Royal Baby Experts’
George Osborne today confirmed the launch of the UK’s first Future Sovereign Wealth Fund, tasked with ‘creating and sustaining a world-class Royal Baby Expert Industry for at least the next 21 bloody...
View ArticlePress to be regulated by Satan
In a bid to improve the moral standards of British newspapers, regulatory control is to be handed to Satan. This is said to be something of a ‘poacher turned gamekeeper’ role for the Evil One, who cut...
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Journalists defend right to spout shit with ‘taped-up arsehole selfie’ campaign
Hundreds of television journalists have taken photographs of themselves with bands of sticky tape fixed to their anuses. The images form part of a campaign aimed at telling the world the relentless...
View ArticleBBC journalists get VIP tour of flagship Qatar prison
The Qatari government, keen to improve its reputation on human rights ahead of the 2020 World Cup, has allowed BBC journalists to witness its new detention arrangements at first hand. In a new era of...
View ArticleStop photobombing our pictures, paparazzi tell Prince George
In an open letter to the Royal Family, the world’s paparazzi have demanded that Prince George stop ruining their attempts to photograph London’s landscapes. The camera-obsessed child has repeatedly...
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Tabloids schedule destruction of Gareth Bale for mid-March
Representatives of the UK tabloid press, meeting at a top secret destination code-named ‘The King’s Arms’ in Central London, have provisionally agreed the division of rights over the next three stages...
View ArticleSports journalists simultaneously realise how pointless they are
Every sports journalist in the world has simultaneously realised how pointless their job is. ‘I was interviewing a woman who’d just lost at Wimbledon, said one, ‘and it suddenly dawned on me how stupid...
View ArticleTerrified tourists stalked by tabloid journalists off Cornish coast
There were scenes of terror across the beaches of south-west England yesterday after a pod of tabloid sharks terrorised terrified tourists. ‘They were circling and looking at us,’ claimed one...
View ArticleDimbleby quits Question Time without finding any Answers
Having hosted the BBC’s flagship debate programme for over 25 years, David Dimbleby has finally conceded that he will never get a straight answer to anything. Frustrated, the ex-presenter said he...
View ArticleJournalist genuinely interested in politicians’ answers to shout-out questions
A hack standing outside Downing Street 24/7 in the pissing rain is genuinely interested in politicans’ answers to the deliberately confrontational questions he shouts out at them, and is definitely not...
View ArticleStop thinking nasty things about Boris, BBC staff told
Director General of the BBC Tim Davie has issued detailed orders in a last ditch attempt to adjust the left leaning bias of the corporation. He has been politely told by Government advisors to realign...
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BBC finds US man who actually cares what British think of his country’s election
The BBC has discovered an American who actually cares what the British think about who wins the US presidential election. The breakthrough means that the massive holiday enjoyed by thousands of BBC...
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